Taking Off The Suit

I've got one foot on the edge, the other foot on a banana peel, and I feel my life pushing me to decide my fate.  There are choices to be made.  Should I struggle to keep my balance or just let go and fall into the unknown?  On the outside, I project the image that I want the world to see--that I'm strong, confident, and well-equipped to handle anything that comes my way.  On the inside--where it ultimately begins and ends--I am faced with uncertainty.  Until now, I led myself to believe that a man doesn't show his weakness, that a man doesn't cry or speak of his feelings.

I buried those fears underneath an armor, and I put up a wall to conceal that armor.  I taught myself that this is what I had to do in order to protect myself.  I lived this way for so long that I actually believed that this is who I was; a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Nathaniel Hawthorne once wrote that "No man for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true." I found that insight to be extraordinary.  It feels almost like he wrote that passage in order for me to find it all these years later; the message reverberates inside of the armor, bounces off of the walls, and resounds throughout my soul.  It was the first thing that I read as I began this journey to free myself from the prison that I had created.

The first step was taking an honest look into the mirror, without the armor, and to admit to myself that I was afraid to live without its protection.  The second step was to search through those fears and to ask myself why they were there.  I had to ask God for his help to guide me through.  The third, was to have the courage to walk away from that mirror, naked and vulnerable, into a world that I have never faced.  The kicker is this, I had to stay committed to that change, and I couldn't just duck and run at the first sign of trouble.  I had to live in the state of vulnerability, and be open enough to allow the possibility of being hurt.  I had to give my love freely, without caution, and temper my expectations of others with the acceptance of the fact that not everyone is going to accept my new way of being. 

Expectations can lead you down a dark and lonely road if you allow them.  Expectations come along with the need to be in control, or the need to be right.  I had to learn how to give up those things, and it's an everyday process.  No, I don't expect to get it right every time, but I am committed to being aware of when I am slipping back into my old ways of thinking, and finding a way to use those experiences much like the eagle uses the storm--as a learning tool to learn how to soar at greater heights.  The people who know me best, know that I do not like cliches, but it really is a one day at a time thing.  I never get too far ahead of myself, and I am allowing things to take their natural course-- 

That's not to say that I lay down and surrender when, instead, it may be time for me to stand up and fight.  What it means is that I've got to pick the fight that's worth fighting, which brings me to another quote, this time, from poet E.E. Cummings.  "To be nobody--but yourself--in a world which is doing his best, night and day, to make you everybody else--means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

These are the lessons that I want to pass on to my young son so that he doesn't have to ever feel the need to suit up---that I still live with uncertainty.  I still feel the fear of the unknown.  And I am vulnerable.  But if I never took off that armor, I wouldn't be feeling anything at all.  No regrets.  I'm taking the leap with a faith in God, all the while believing that He has a plan for my life...but somebody pass me one of those bananas to put under my other foot before I change my mind!  Stay vigilant, my friends!